Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Nightmare In The Forest

There is something unusual that I had never done before... until last night. I've been on many hiking adventures in the forest, and at most times of the day. But I had never attempted to go hiking in the forest in the middle of the night. It was last night that I decided to change that. I thought it would be a thrilling experience, but it turned out to be a decision that I will now regret forever.

When I set out I took all of my usual stuff, and I included a flashlight. I figured I'd only use it if I needed it though, because while you could see better with it on, you couldn't get the full experience of night hiking. Plus you could also get caught easier when you weren't supposed to be there. These places I go are only open during the day. I didn't want to get into trouble, but my curiosity got the best of me, so off I went.

As I got there I realized that I wouldn't have to use the flashlight for awhile because it was a clear night and the moon was shining enough for me to see just fine in the dark for now. I tried to take a few pictures but quickly realized that the camera wasn't going to pick up anything at all. It was a shame I wasn't going to be able to share this, but at least I would have the memories.

After walking for awhile, and as I got deep into the forest, it became hard enough to see that I decided to finally take out my flashlight. Besides, I didn't think anyone would see it while I was this deep in the wilderness. What kind of idiot would come out here to catch me? I was extremely proud of my own intelligence at that point though.

Just as I was about to turn on the flashlight, I heard something very strange coming from up ahead of me, and it sounded like a low moaning. What could it be all the way out here? I decided I had to investigate this strange sound. Who wouldn't want to find out this mystery? As I got closer, it became clear that the moaning sound was human, and it was at least a dozen voices.

By this time I was becoming more than a little concerned. The moaning had become a steady chanting sound, and I didn't like it one bit. I had been sure I would be all alone when I came out here, and now I was greeted with this deep scary chorus of voices. For some odd reason I never thought of turning around and leaving. I decided to find out what was happening.

I was now glad I never turned on the flashlight. I slowly crept forward towards the sounds of the chanting, which seemed to be coming from a place where I knew there was a large clearing in the forest. That was a good thing because it was so dark now that I could barely see my own hand in front of my face. A little farther on I began to see a light. It was coming from the clearing, and as I guessed, so were the chanting voices.

I moved to just outside the edge of the clearing and peeked through the branches of the bushes in front of me. What I saw was too strange for my own eyes to believe! The voices were coming from twelve black robed human shapes. They were each holding hands with the two next to them to form a complete circle. As they moved from side to side, they were all looking to the center of the circle where the light was coming from.

The chanting began to grow louder, but I couldn't tell if they were actually saying any kind of language. It was just then that I noticed another robed figure! This one was standing in the very center of the circle, illuminated by that strange light. I figured I could see that figure because it was a little taller than the others. I watched as that one just stood there in one spot. It seemed to be just looking at all of the others.

After a few seconds I got another shock. The middle figure seemed to grow even taller than it was before. I began thinking that there was no way this tall thing could be human! It must have grown almost twice as tall as any of the others! I was now so scared I couldn't move! Still, I knew I also felt compelled to keep watching to find out what they were up to.

Then all of a sudden, as quick as a flash the tall figure whipped its head around to my direction! I knew that it was looking right at me. It was the eyes! The eyes glowed a horrible blood red! Those eyes seemed to be able to see right into my soul! I thought I was going to die right there! How could I not drop dead from fright? "Noooo!!!"

It was instinct that now drove me! Without any human thought left in my head, I jumped up from my formerly hidden position and turned and ran as fast as I could through the forest towards the front of the park! I had to get out of there! I couldn't see anything in front of me, and I quickly ran right into a tree! Bam!

I hit so hard that I bounced off the tree and fell onto my back. But I was so driven by fear and adrenaline that I jumped right back to my feet, completely disregarding the thought of injury. I renewed my flight to safety out of the forest. I had a few more similar incidents as I stumbled my way out of the forest and to my awaiting truck. I quickly jumped in and sped towards the safety of home!

I began typing all of this almost right after I got in the door of my house, so excuse any mistakes or typos. I'm now looking at what I have written, wondering what is going to happen next. That horrible creature saw me, I just know it!

Oh God, what am I going to do!!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Rat Tails Homemade Spaghetti Recipe

I have a wonderful recipe for homemade spaghetti that has been handed down from generation to generation. This recipe takes quite a bit of work, but it is well worth it if you really want it to come out just right. I have never had anything else quite like it, and after you taste it you will agree! Now I’m going to bring this never before shared recipe to you. It’s such… a wonderful… thing.

Serves: 6

  • 10 live rats
  • 26 additional rat tails
  • 1/4 cup fresh maggots
  • 4 cups unflushed toilet water
  • 5 cloves garlic, chopped

  1. Firmly holding each live rat over a saucepan, slit that little buggers throat. And now, this is important, squeeze thoroughly until every ounce of blood drains out into the saucepan.
  2. Remove the tails from each rat, and place into separate pile. You should have 36 tails altogether.
  3. Using a meat cleaver, chop off the heads and the limbs from each rat. Chop! Put them aside to be used later.
  4. To debone the rat, using a skinning knife, and cut away the tissue from around the back end, near what’s left of the tailbone, enough to grip it with a few fingers.
  5. Now place the rat on it’s side, and grip the tailbone with your fingers. Position the knife just in front of your hand in the place on the rat where you cut away the tissue, holding it still and very firmly. Pull the rat towards you with your hand as hard and steady as you can. This will cut through the ribs, but also slice the backbone from the rest of the rat. Do this for both sides.
  6. Use a similar technique for the rest of the bones. You can figure it out. If you cut yourself, don’t worry, it will just help add a little extra spice to the meal.
  7. Back to the rat heads. Using a teaspoon, scoop out the brains through the hole in the throat. Set the brains aside for now.
  8. Put the rat heads in a strong burlap sack, and place the other bones on the floor. Now, this is important, use that sack of heads to smash those other bones good! Smash ‘em! Smash ‘em real good! Keep swinging that sack until you only have little bits left, even in that bag! Sweep up the remains and put them in a pile.
  9. Put the now boneless rat remains, including the skin and fur(they’re the tastiest parts), in a good food processor. Make sure you have a good one. Never skimp on price when it comes to chopping your food. Use the right setting to get a finely ground consistency.
  10. Preheat a large cooking pot to 350 degrees, and place your ground rat into it along with you chopped garlic. Do not use a skillet! Do you understand me! You better not use a skillet if you know what’s good for you! Cook your rat meat only long enough for the outside to slightly brown, stirring as you go. We want the inside to remain a healthy red.
  11. Pour the blood you saved over the rat meat, and mix it all together. Let it all sit and gather in the flavors.
  12. Scoop the contents into a large bowl so we can reuse the dirty pot for the rat brains. Brown the rat brains the same way we did the other meat, in the juices that are left over in the pot. These are the meatballs! Yummy! When they are done,let them sit in the cooling pot.
  13. We won’t be using the bones again. I just wanted to smash them. Smash! Smash smash smash! Smash ‘em good! D’you hear!
  14. Now pour your toilet water into another large cooking pot. Bring it to a boil and chuck the rat tails in. Let them boil until they develop a translucent sheen.
  15. When they look finished, pour them out into the sink. Pick up the rat tails with a pair of tongs so you don’t burn yourself. Place an equal amount on each plate.
  16. Now spoon out an equal amount of the rat meat on each plate of rat tails.
  17. Put 4 rat brains on each plate. That leaves 2 for you to taste now. Goody, goody!
  18. Garnish each meal with a liberal amount of fresh maggots. Your spaghetti is now ready to eat!
Molto delizioso!

Have a question about this recipe? Ask in our handy dandy comments section!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Nothing At All

"You were a vampire, and now I am nothing at all."
Concrete Blonde - Bloodletting

How could this night get any worse? Her date had been going well right up until she came back out of the restroom. It had only taken just a few minutes, but when she came back out he was gone. He had been a jerk anyway. All he did throughout dinner was sit there bragging about himself. While she stood there looking at his empty chair, the waiter showed up with the check!

She’d been glad that she had driven her own car to the restaurant. But now on the way home her car decided to break down! It also didn’t help that it was on the most deserted stretch of road along the way. Isn’t that the way it always happens?

On top of all that, when she reached into her purse for her cellphone, she discovered that it was nowhere to be found! What was she going to do now! This just obviously wasn’t her night. She decided she had no choice but to just walk through this dark, deserted road in the woods to the nearest house to ask to use their phone.

She felt completely miserable having to be in this place. The old rotted leaves on the ground of a forest always smelled like a sewer to her, especially on a hot summer night like this one. It was one of those nights where it was so hot that every stitch of clothing you had on became instantly glued to your body. And there was no sound except the occasional skritching of little rodents under the leaves of the forest. And soon, even they became eerily silent.

Soon after the sounds of the forest died away, she saw something odd up ahead by the side of the road. At first glance it looked like the shadow of just another tree. But as her mind focused more closely on the figure standing there beside the road, it appeared to look more like a tall thin man in dark clothes. She called out to him, but there was no answer, only the soft whisper of the distant wind. Was this silent figure really a person? The small bit of moonlight passing down through the treetops to the darkness of the forest must be playing tricks on her.

But then she began to hear a sound. Coming from the direction of the dark figure was a slow, drawn out, hissing whisper that cut through the night like the sharp edge of a sword, "Come to meeee..."

She began to move forward before she even knew it. She knew she was somehow being compelled by that voice. She didn't want to go, but she didn't know how to stop. It was as if her body was being controlled by that voice and not her own thoughts. The dark figure began to come into view more clearly as she stepped ever closer. She could now see that it was a man. Or at least, it looked like a man.

His skin had a pale white sheen like the belly of a soggy dead fish. His eyes were like two red-hot coals, burning into her where she stood. His lips were like two big, writhing leeches pressed against each other. And on each side of his mouth there were two long, pointed white teeth sticking out and down. They reminded her of the fangs of a spider. The man-thing had on dark clothing that hung from his body as if it were wet. The material looked almost like the rotted old wet leaves from the bottom of the forest floor. And the smell. The smell coming from him was like the stink of a rotting dead animal.

As she was involuntarily drawn right up to him, she now understood what he really was. This horrible creature was a vampire. But this was obviously no romance novel vampire. This was the real thing. A real vampire! How could the story tellers have turned these evil, disgusting things into the pretty boys that they show in the movies? This evil beast was an abomination from hell! And she was totally and helplessly at his mercy.

Then as the vampire leaned in and bit into the jugular vein in her neck there was an intense, searing pain. Why was there so much pain! She struggled to break free, but he only gripped her harder! So hard that she felt one of her ribs snap. The thing now seemed to be trying to squeeze the blood out of her. After what seemed like an eternity she began to lose consciousness. She wondered… would she dream of better things?

But it was not just her blood that was draining out of her body; it was also her soul that was torn out. The vampire was eating her soul away! What many people don’t know is that it is not exactly blood that a vampire craves. The vampire’s real hunger is for the human soul. We always wonder where the soul is located in our bodies. It originates in our heart, and is pumped throughout our bodies along with our blood. Heart and soul, that’s the old saying. Drinking the living blood is the only way a vampire may consume a human soul.

So, for the dying woman, there would be no heaven, or even hell. It’s only the human soul that goes to one of those places. After death there is only the soul, but not if it has been devoured by an evil creature such as this vampire.

As the last of the woman’s blood and soul were drained out of her, the body slumped down out of the grip of the vampire. She was not just dead. Death would have been much better for her. And no, she was not going to be turned into a vampire like him so she could live forever in a fairy tale of darkness. That was a romance novel myth. She would not go to heaven, or even to hell. For her, there would be no afterlife. You had to have the consciousness of a soul to even exist. The empty husk of a body that she used to inhabit wasn't her either anymore. She was not even a disembodied spirit. She was once a living, breathing person.

Now she is nothing at all.