Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Henry Heinrich's Horrible Hallucination
This is the story of Henry Heinrich, a traveler who lost his way.
Hello, my name is Henry. I have a story to tell you about something that just happened to me. It might seem strange, but I think I've been hallucinating. I mean, it must all be a hallucination, right? It has to be!!!
It all started when I was reading a story on the internet. It was about some idiot that started a war with a bunch of squirrels. The story was kind of stupid but I liked it anyway, so I decided to look through the site. As I started reading I saw that there were some very good ideas on how being out in the middle of nature can relieve some of the stress from our everyday lives, so I decided I might try it for myself.
After one particular tiring day at work, I was driving home through a wooded area. I saw a sign for a nature preserve, and I decided to stop and go in. I noticed it was just like the website said, there was a small dirt trail leading into the woods, and a sign with some park rules. I was still kind of stressed out, and I didn't need no stinking rules, so I walked right in without reading them.
I have to tell you, after walking for a little ways in the woods, my stress began to melt away. The air smelled so fresh. And there were all sorts of beautiful plants, little animals like squirrels and a few other cute little things. I didn't start any wars though, I was too relaxed now. As a matter of fact, I was feeling so relaxed that I decided to take a little siesta beside a tree that I saw several feet off the trail. Just a short nap, no big thing.
I must have been asleep longer than I thought, because when I woke up it was beginning to get dark. I figured I'd better get up and head on home. I really felt much better now than when I got here. I was going to remember to come back here as often as I could. As I got to my feet, I heard the sound of a man clearing his throat.
I turned toward the sound and saw a man standing there in a white suit. Everything about this guy seemed to sparkle. His suit was the cleanest I've ever seen, complete with odd looking red tie. He was a tall slim man with slicked back black hair and a little thin mustache, and he was looking right at me. If you're not already thinking it, I'll say it. This was really strange out here in the forest!
Since he was staring so intensely at me, I decided to ask him, "Uhmm, is there something you want?"
"Well of course there's something I want," he said. "I want you! I mean, I want to talk to you. I have a deal for you, and I don't think you can refuse this one." I began to put two and two together, and I remembered reading stories like this before. I didn't think he had any deal that I'd really like. This kind of deal never worked out very well for guys like me, and I told him so.
He kind of laughed and said, "That's all in the past! In these modern times I let you think it out before we finalize the deal. In the past it was just my inexperience that led to a few bad endings to a few little agreements."
"What happened with those past agreements? I don't want something bad to happen to me. Not that I'm agreeing to anything, I just want to know," I asked suspiciously.
He said, "Well, there was the time a man asked for one billion dollars and..."
"Wait a minute," I said. "A billion dollars! So you really are..."
"That's right! The one and only, but let me finish," he said. "I gave him the money, all in pennies, and I kind of accidentally dropped it on his house with him inside. That was too bad for him," he chuckled. "We'll make sure that won't happen with you though. You're much smarter than him, and besides, I'll protect you for this one, because I'm trying to repair my bad reputation. It's just not good for business to keep letting my marks die on me."
I didn't like the way this was going, so I asked him how he would guarantee that I wouldn't die. I figured that if I played along, he'd let me leave soon. He said, "Well, I'll make sure you don't ask for anything quite so outrageous as a billion dollars. It's always the greed that does 'em in, so try to ask for something that might help others. You know, like having a superpower or something. You could be some sort of superhero, and I guarantee you won't die."
Actually, I thought, this was getting interesting now. A superpower sounded kind of cool. I know, I could be Superman! Wait, no, that was getting greedy and he said not to be greedy. I'll only pick one superpower, but which one? "I want to fly! I mean, I want the power of flight," I told him.
"A wonderful choice," he exclaimed. "You will have the power of flight. It will last your whole lifetime, and I guarantee that no harm will come to you as a result. Your wish is granted. The deal is done!" As soon as the last words were out of his mouth he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
I was kind of scared, but it was too late, the deal was done. I decided that maybe I should try out my new special power. I jumped into the air, and nothing happened. Just kidding! I flew! I was now soaring freely in the air! I was really flying! I did it! I was the first one to get the better of him in a deal!
Because this was so great, I decided to fly around for the rest of the day. I eventually tired myself out, so I decided to find another nice place to rest, somewhere nearby. I looked down and saw a piece of land in the middle of a small lake. That looked like as good a place as any to take a nap after my first day as the newest superhero.
I woke up to the sound of footsteps coming towards me. I thought it was him again coming to try and change the deal, since I had beaten him so badly. But when I turned to look, I saw a completely different sight. It was some big idiot wearing a hat of fake mouse ears, and a toy eye patch. He was running towards me with a camera in his hand!
He lifted the camera in my direction and took a picture. I angrily looked at him and yelled, "HONK!!!"